Rock My World

“We cut ourselves, on purpose. It’s what we do. It’s what we are. We do it to relieve our mental anguish. The physical pain comforts us and gives us control, just like the drugs and alcohol. That’s what drew us Megara and I together. It’s probably the main things that we have in common.” That was my first diary entry, almost two years ago. Now I sit here, no more cutting. No drugs or alcohol. And worst of all, no Megara.
I met Megara when I was fourteen. I was in the eighth grade in a new school. Rumor had it that I was a witch. Now where I lived, people were scared of that kind of stuff. They were redneck hicks. What did you expect? She came up to me one day in gym class. Of course, I wasn’t dressed out. Did I ever? I looked up at her and gave a look that said, “What the fuck do you want?” She answered with an equally bitchy look.
“I heard you’re a witch. Is it true? They say you’re going to kill all the Christians.” Meg leaned against the lockers, kicking the bottom one with her platform boot. I slammed mine shut, shoving my CD player in the pocket of my army camo jacket.
“What’s it to you? So what if I am. They shouldn’t be worried. I wouldn’t waste my breath on their lot, let alone a spell.” I gave a malicious grin.
“Oh. Yeah, neither would I. I kinda dabble into that stuff. So what’s in the player?” She figured I would say something like Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails, but I didn’t.
“Evanescence. It was the first thing I grabbed this morning.” Her face kinda fell. “You were hoping Manson, SlipKnot, Korn, the like right?” We walked out with the rest of the class, tagging behind.
“Yeah, actually. I pegged you as that type. Kinda shocked me when you said that.” Meg said as we sat at the fence designated for people who didn’t dress out.
“Well, you pegged right. Like I said, it was the first thing I could grab. But Evanescence rocks live and Amy is pretty hot too.” I smiled innocently as I could. One of the coaches was walking towards us, but we didn’t bother to move to our separate poles. Meg gave me an awkward look for my comment.
“You two,” She said as she approached. “Get to your poles.” Meg began to move but I was defiant and stayed put.
“Why do we have to sit at poles?” I put emphasis on poles, making it sound like a bad thing. “Is it not enough that we must sit in the sweltering heat under this sun, which might I add, is bright as hell. I think that’s plenty good punishment.” I stared up at her, my dark auburn hair falling in my face occasionally.
“Kaylena, is it?” She checked her clipboard. “Yes, Kaylena Catrell. You’re the new girl. If you haven’t yet been informed, when you don’t dress out, you are to be somewhat isolated form the others.” Meg seemed to be mocking the coach. I laughed slightly.
“Yes ma’am! I understand completely!” I gave my best fake smile and fought my hardest not to burst out in laughter.
“I’ll let you off this time, but next time, know that little fact.” She walked off and I shrugged of my jacket, forgetting about my arm. Megara glanced down and the various cuts, bruises, and scars must have caught her eye.
“I do it too.” She said it quietly. I looked over in confusion, as she pulled down her black arm warmer. Her pale skin made the cuts stand out more so her arm looked a whole hell of a lot worse than mine. It made me look like I had mere cat scratches. I smiled weakly and nodded.


From that day on, we were inseparable, joined at the hip as one teacher put it. We had to be. We were practically the only ‘Goths’ there. We had to stick together. In the second semester, I had Tech instead of Gym but we always met by my locker after sixth period and wait for our buses in the same spot. In those days, drugs and alcohol had no major part in our life, or mine at least. I had the occasionally glass of wine and she sometimes smoked weed, but nothing too much. One day she had asked me if I smoked with the infamous finger and thumb to lips signal. I said no, but I always wanted to try.
We still cut. Sometimes it was just straight lines. Other times we carved designs, like crosses or our initials. We even became blood sisters in a late night ritual at her place. We were so tired, but wired enough to stay awake. The blade almost slipped when I cut my arm, but it wasn’t too bad. I ended up laughing.
One night, July 13th to be exact, a deep secret was revealed. Our conversation was fairly normal, by our standards at least. Meg seemed a little off that night though.
“Hey chick, you alright? You don’t seem your usual self.” I was a bit worried.
“Yeah, actually. I, uh, kinda need to tell ya something.” Her voice slightly shook. My heart began to race. What if she tells me what I think it is? Oh shit.
Me too. You go first!” I said quickly. I was so scared. She stuttered and stumbled over her words until I final drug it out of her.
“What, do you secretly love me?!” Thank god I was in my room. Silence on her end of the line answered me. I could almost hear her sigh in relief, but shatter into a million pieces. “If it makes you feel any better, I do too. I mean, I like you too.” The weight was gone. It had been lifted with those few words. She laughed, or did something that sounded a lot like it.
“You’re kidding me, right? You mean to tell me that this is all happening? Please tell me this isn’t a dream!” Megara was overjoyed. I had to have a sense of humor at the moment, appropriate or not.
“Go bang your head on the wall and tell me if it hurts.” She did so and replied yes.
“Ok, well you’re not dreaming. And this certainly isn’t a nightmare, by the way you’re acting. I grinned broadly. That conversation marked the night our friendship was upped to the level of a relationship. That weekend was the first time we actually “slept together”. At first we tried to keep count of how many times we did, but after five, we gave up.


The beginning of high school came and went. It took people almost a month to pick up that we were together. We never had any PDA, except hugs. We were very careful about letting our friends find out. The secret leaked out anyway. It was Westward High for God’s sake. People began the taunts and teasing once they found out the truth. We discovered who our real friends were. Even people who we didn’t believe to be our friends sided with us.
The constant teasing and even some threats had grown to be too much. I had become known as Kaylena Cutrell. I overdosed on Aspirin and Meg contemplated suicide. I talked her out of it and she helped me through the OD. All I have to say is that I never want to see another glass of tea.
One day when we were with a few friends, they offered us some weed. Meg took it, no problem. I was a bit hesitant. She didn’t force me into it, saying to do it only if I want to. I watched everyone else and before too much longer, I was coughing on the smoke. By my fourth hit, my limbs felt like Jell-O. The grass was still green and the sky blue, so I guess I wasn’t flying.
“You never get high your first time.” Corey said. “You just feel funny. Next time, it’ll be in your blood. You’ll soar.” I laughed along with the others. A safety pin on my purse caught my eye. I unclipped it and scratched it across my skin until blood was all around the area. Everyone but Meg looked at me in confusion and amazement.
“Maybe you are high…” Corey said, as I laughed harder at the blood on my arm.
Weed became a routine thing. We took turns paying and Corey would supply us. And weird enough, we never got caught. We went to our first party with our friend Olivia and alcohol was introduced into our lives. I guess I must have been the weaker one, because I always got the worse hangover of the two of us. Getting it was no problem. Our parents always had some kind of liquor around the house, Usually vodka, gin, or rum. We put it in sample shampoo bottles and replaced what we took with water. They never found out.


Meanwhile, our home life was going fantastic. We were pretty sure our parents weren’t suspecting anything. I kept my good grades up, acted as if Meg was “just my best-friend”, and if my mother asked where I got the new clothes and jewelry I had stolen, I always said that a friend gave it to me.
One day when I went to write in my poetry book, I found a note from my mom saying that we needed to talk. She wasn’t home yet, so I called up Megara.
“Oh shit. Fuck. Oh my god, babe. What is she gonna do? What are we gonna do?”
“I really don’t know. Maybe I should just throw the book out, pretending I never saw it.”
“No, er, yeah. Yeah, you do that. You don’t keep a diary, do you?”
“Yeah, but it’s well hidden. No one could find it. I even forget sometimes.”
“Rid yourself of both of them. Burn it, tear it, do whatever. Just get rid of all of it.” We were worried out of our minds. That night, I proceeded to destroy it all. I must have worked because I was allowed to go to Meg’s house that weekend. Right before they left to take me home on Sunday night, I had the worst feeling that I was in trouble. Nothing happened when I got home, so I thought I was home free.
Wrong! When I got home, my mom was waiting in my room for me. I was dead meat, kitty, for sure.
“Kaylena Mia, are you gay?” Her question shocked me. I slightly nodded weakly.
“Ok, let me ask you this. Is Megara gay?” I was aghast. What kind of questions are these?! I hesitated before nodded again. She got up quickly and crossed the room to my door.
“I’ve got to gather myself for this. I have no idea what you two could have done together.” I was fuming when I heard this.
“I never said that we were together! I merely said that we were both gay! Hell, I never even said it! You don’t need to go jumping to conclusions, thinking we’re a couple and that we’ve already had sex!” I had stood up and not realized it. She raised her hand and before I had a chance to dodge it, she brought it in contact with my face. I could feel her rings, particularly the diamond one, dig into my stinging skin.
“Don’t you dare raise your voice to me like that ever again! I can no longer allow you two to have sleepovers. It’s too much like coed.” Before I could say anything else, she left the room. I fell on my bed and bitter tears of anger fell over my face. I pulled out my blade and slashed across my shoulder, them carved a KM into my ankle. For my initials, I would say. Yeah right, my initials. I always cut on my left side. Very rarely would you find anything self-inflicted on my right side. I cleaned the cuts and went to bed.
The next morning at school, I broke the news to Meg. I made sure to have plenty of vodka; I knew we would need it. We simply told our teachers that there were problems at home, which got us out of a few classes. We eventually got over it. I mean, hey, at least we were still allowed to hang out!
We also experimented with other things, like Ups. This one girl Meg knew had these called Christmas Trees. They were six for a dollar, so we were pretty good off. No one had enough sense to tell us not to take more than one pill at a time. We had finished the six between us at lunch and by Art, we were out of it. Everything seemed so far away and we were so shaky, but full of energy. We felt as if we could run around the school three, four, maybe a hundred times. The girl who supplied us walked up and kinda laughed.
“How many did you take?” She demanded.
“Three each.” I managed to say. Her jaw almost dropped.
“Don’t drink any coffee or soda.”
“No shit, Sherlock. What do we do?”
“Drink water. Lots of water. You’ll feel better.” She walked off and I grabbed Meg’s hand. She jumped.
“Your hand, it feels like a starfish. It’s going to suck all the blood out. They do that, ya know?” She was wigging hard. I looked down to see that she was thinking that my fingerless leather glove was a starfish. After that class and many gallons of water, we were feeling much better. Our lesson: no more than one Christmas Tree at a time.


Once again, there were a few months of peace. But as the cycle flows, it was disrupted, this time by Megara. We were down in the park with a few friends. Our six month anniversary had just past.
“Hey, ya wanna walk?” She said as we strayed away from our friends. “We need to talk.” My heart stopped, as did my feet. I let go of her hand and turned to face her.
“Oh fuck no. You’re not doing what I think you’re doing. Please, oh please tell me you’re not.’” Tears were rimming my eyes.
“Oh God, I knew this would happen. I knew you would react like this. I don’t want to hurt you in doing this. I just think that we should take a break and see other people…” Her voice trailed. She held my hands in hers as my tears fell freely. I yanked away.
“There’s somebody else, isn’t there?! You would never do this if there weren’t! I hate you! I gave you my heart and you tore it out and crushed it to dust!” I was screaming, which caused our friends to rush over.
“What the hell is going on? Just five minutes ago, you two were happy lovey dovey! Now you’re screaming and crying!” Tanya was yelling.
“That, that, that,” I searched for a word. “That person broke up with me, just days after our six month, for someone else! Well, I hope she’s happy with them! I obviously wasn’t good enough!” I took off, Demia and Kasha at my heels. Tanya and Shelly stayed with Meg.
“Chick, don’t worry about her. If she’s low enough to do that to you, she not worthy of you. We’ll help you find someone. Do you know how many guys want you? Two of my hottest friends already want to meet you and they have never even seen you before! Don’t worry. It’ll be ok.” Demia said as I pounded the picnic table with my fists. She and Kasha closed in on me and hugged me. I stopped throwing my fists and calmed down.
“Yeah. I just need a good party. Get stoned, have a few drinks, maybe get laid. God I sound like a whore!” I stared around the park. Meg, Tanya, and Shelly were headed towards the skate park. Demia and Kasha gave each other “a look”.
“Well, you need to have fun and everything, but set limits. Be careful. We’ll be there with ya, but you could still do something stupid.” Kasha said as I looked up and nodded.
“Let’s go home. I mean, to your place, Demia. If need be, we’ll swing by my house later.” I said, as I grabbed their hands and took off.
Now, most chicks crave junk food after a break up, especially ice cream. I want drugs, alcohol, and sex. Weird, yes. But hey, if it helps ya pull through it, more power to ya.
After getting thoroughly drunk and stoned out of my mind, I disappeared into a bedroom with a guy from school that had been after me for sometime. One after another, guys came in until I had been done six or seven times. I knew that Demia and Kasha were probably worrying about me. I’m ok though. I’ll talk to them tomorrow.
I awoke the next morning very hung-over and naked. The events of the night before swam back to my memory. Ugh, I’m such a tramp. I was disgusted with myself. I let all those guys take advantage of me. I rose from the bed with the sheet wrapped around me and to the bathroom. I threw the medicine cabinet open and searched through it for anything sharp, preferably a razor blade.
Not finding one, I remembered I kept a spare in my boot. Once in the bedroom, I let the sheet fall away from me. Cut here, slash there. Cut up, I’m bad. Slash down, I’m a slut. All over my thighs and stomach. I fell to the bed and blacked out.


When I awoke, a day, a week, I don’t know, it was white. The walls, the ceiling, the bed, my clothes, everything was white. My focus was horrible.
“Am I dead?” I asked. “If not, where the fuck am I?” I said aloud, not realizing there actually were people in the room with me.
“No dumb ass. You aren’t dead, but after staying in this place for the time you have to, you’ll wish you were.” A voice, Demia I think, spoke up. Everything was still hazy. I closed my eyes and tried to regain my focus. It was clearer when I opened them again. I looked over to see four people - Demia, Kasha, Tanya, and most unexpected, Megara.
“Ok, like I said before, if I’m not dead, where in the bloody hell am I, what happened, and why the fuck am I here?” I looked around to see flowers on my nightstand. Red roses, my favorite. I smelled them as Kasha spoke.
“You’re in the local asylum, you crazy bitch. When you woke up this morning at Kyle’s place and realized what you did, you must have wigged out and cut yourself up like a fucking Thanksgiving turkey. Meg went looking for you to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid and found you, blood everywhere. She thought that you were gone for sure. Nice shock effect, the blood on white sheets. Thank you immensely for scaring the hell out of us.” They all nodded in agreement as I looked over at them. Meg didn’t make eye contact with me. I looked at my legs under the blanket and nearly passed out. There were a dozen or so cuts on each leg, plus all the ones on my stomach.
“Told you so. You have to live with those for the rest of your life, reminding you of what a moron you were. That is, unless you strike it rich and get plastic surgery.” Tanya said, as I laughed weakly. Meg was still silent, but I could see tears glistening on her face. I threw back the covers and walked over to her. Wiping the tears away, I sat across her legs.
“This isn’t your fault. I was stupid. I should have gone out and ate a container of million-calorie ice cream instead. But I chose to go about recovering the wrong way.” I wrapped my arms around her and she returned the embrace. We stayed that way for what seemed like forever until I spoke again.
“I really don’t hate you. I still love you, you know that. I was just pissed. Forgive me. Please?” I said. She smiled very weakly.
“I understand. I forgive you. Leo and I didn’t work out anyway. All he wanted was head. So, are we, you know, an item again?” I smiled and nodded. I got up, kissed Meg’s lip lightly, and went back to the bed.
“You never formally ask me out, but that’s what I love about you!” I grinned. “God, I tell you guys. Cocaine is a good high, but Judas fucking Priest, my nose never hurt so much!” I laughed as I gently rubbed my nose.
After three months in the hospital, they released me for good unless my parents felt the need to put me back. I had stopped cutting. Drugs and alcohol were very rare. Two or three weeks after I got out, Meg invited me over. When I arrived, she held up a baggie.
“Weed?” I asked, somewhat weary.
“Better. Mushrooms!” I made a face.
“Meg, those things are so nasty.” She pulled out a bag of barbeque chips.
“Come on! I’ll feed ya!” I tried to protest but she threw a cap and a chip in my mouth before I could. I chewed them up and swallowed, slightly gagging. The awful taste wasn’t masked, but we finished to eight. Within a half hour, we were chewing up Rolaids to make the nausea go away. The ceiling and the wall were moving and merging together and there were colors everywhere. I grabbed her hand. I felt as if I would float away.
We heard the doorbell and ignored it, hoping whoever was there would go away. They didn’t. I jumped up and ran downstairs to find Kasha at the door.
“Where’s Megara?” Her face looked twisted. It must be the mushrooms.
“She’s upstairs, why?” I really wished the effects would wear off.
“Just wondering. Your parents called looking for you. They said no one answered the phone over here. Listen, you two wanna go to the mall tomorrow?” Her face was even more contorted.
“Yeah sure. Do they want me to come home?” She nodded. I ran back upstairs to Meg. Her face was tear-stained and her eyes were emerald green. She looked up from the window seat.
“I though you were gone forever. I really did.” I walked over to her and embraced her.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to scare you like that. Kasha’s downstairs. My parents want me home. We’re gonna go to the mall with her tomorrow. I’ll call you! Love you lots!” I leaned in and kissed her for a few seconds, maybe twenty or thirty, before pulling away and leaving. I could see she was about to cry again. I blew a kiss and left.
Kasha let me sleep off the mushrooms in her car before taking me home. My parents had the power to send me back to the hospital, so I stayed straight around them. I never had a chance to call Megara that night. I’ll just call her in the morning.


The next morning, my mom sat in the living room with her coffee, looking very solemn.
“Who died?” I joked as I grabbed the phone to call Megara. Ten rings, no answer.
“Come on. Let’s go for a ride.” She got up and headed for the door.
“But, I had plans. I was going to the mall.”
“With Megara?” She looked as if she was about to cry. Biting my lip, I nodded.
“Let’s go.” I wanted to protest, but didn’t. We drove down town and to the hospital I had been admitted to.
“What’s going on? What the hell happened to her?!” I was yelling as we got out of the car. We walked in and to my shrink’s office. She didn’t answer. Not long after we sat down, Liz, my shrink, walked in.
“Have you told her yet?” My mom shook her head. Liz turned to me.
“Listen Kaylena, this might not be the place to tell you, but your mom thought you should be here. She didn’t know what you would do. Kaylena, Megara died yesterday.”
Everything stopped. I slowly shook my head and turned to my mother who nodded, yes, it’s true. She got up and put her arms around me. I swear I saw a hint of glee in her eyes - no more bad, terrible, evil Megara - as she said “I’m so sorry, Kay. I know you loved her so much. I’m here for you. I want to help.”
I jumped up and shoved her away. I wanted to jump out of the window, bang my head on the wall, bust the flower vase, but instead I just screamed. It was my entire fault. I shouldn’t have left her.
“How?” I was chocking on my own breath.
“She fell down the stairs.”
It really was my fault. I wanted to join her so badly.
“It’s not your fault, Kaylena.” Liz said, as if reading my mind. “She loved you more than anything. It was an accident.”
I screamed, first muffled by my hand, then full force when I removed it. I shut my eyes tight and continued to scream. I didn’t see my mother leave, or the sedative coming until the needle was already out. Everything blurred as I fell to the floor. I’m coming, Meg. I’ll be with you again.
They had put me back into the hospital, but allowed me to go to her funeral. In a drawstring pouch, I put a mini shampoo bottle of her favorite coconut rum, a letter I wrote that morning, a picture of us, and her set of our promise rings. I threw it in the casket as they lowered her down. I cried harder than I ever had before.
I stayed in the hospital until I proved I was stable, which was over two months later. My parents moved me to Eastwick High. Westward was just too full of painful memories and ghosts.
One day after school, I was in the coffee shop near the school. As I ordered my frozen coffee, I saw a girl with shoulder length brown hair and piercing green eyes. She was in my Creative Writing class and when I first met her, I swore it was Megara. Everyone had lied. She never really died.
I sat down next to her and before long she spoke up.
“Hi!” She said, running her hand threw her hair. I couldn’t ignore her, so when I looked up, I smiled. She put her thumb and forefinger together and put them to her lips, a signal I knew oh too well.
Oh my god. It is so Meg! I nodded and got up, going out to the alley behind the shop, crying. Before I knew it, she was there, offering me a joint. I took it and within ten minutes, we finished it.
Afterwards, I was so mad at myself. When Megara died, I promised never to do it again. Sorry Meg. I dug through my purse, looking for my emergency glass.
I found it and pressed it to my skin as I bit my lip. I couldn’t bring myself to drag it across. I felt the tears well up. I put the glass away and walked to the pay phone to call my mother as tears rolled down my face mixing with the rain falling on me.
“I…I…I want…”
“Kay, hun what is it? Do I need to come get you?” I kept crying.
“I…I want Megara!” I fell against the phone booth, shaking with sobs.
“I know, honey. I know you miss her. You’ll heal, all in good time. Now, are you ok? Do I need to come and get you?” I shook my head then realized she couldn’t see me and answered verbally.
“No, I’ll be alright. I’ll see you when I get home.” I hung the phone up, stepped out of the booth, and walked over to my car. It had stopped raining and a rainbow was slowing showing through the clouds. I drove, not knowing where I was going. I ended up at the cemetery and before walking over to Meg’s grave, I stopped and picked up a white rose from a nearby tombstone. Kneeling next to her stone, I dropped the rose in front of it and pressed my face on the side.
“I miss ya, babe. You rocked not only my Goth socks, but my whole world! I’m doing really good. I go to Eastwick High now. Mom thought it best I didn’t go to Westward. I’m still waiting for the day that I wake up to find that you’re not dead. I miss you. I still love you, even though you left me. Bye.” I got up and left.
When I got home, I decided to call some old friends - Demia, Kasha, and Tanya - and make some plans for the night. I hadn’t seen them in a long time and I missed seeing